


On nights like this.

by princessleia



Category: Avengers, Iron Man - Fandom, Marvel
Genre: Suicide thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-15
Updated: 2013-12-15
Packaged: 2018-01-04 17:40:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1083804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/princessleia/pseuds/princessleia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>❝That's why, sometimes, on nights like this, Tony sits on one of the stools in his lab, the only light coming from his chest, and takes out the arc reactor. He just looks at it and then wonders... he wonders whether it would be worth it to put it back in. And start breathing again. Thinking again. Working again.❞</p>
            </blockquote>





	On nights like this.

It was night. One of the warmest night of the month and Tony couldn't sleep, it wasn't much of a surprise when he found himself getting up from the bed and heading to the lab downstairs.

He found a cup of coffee already on one of the many tables in the room and decided to drink what was left of its contents, since he didn't want to go back upstairs. It didn't upset Tony to be up that late at night -or that early in the morning- it kept happening and happening every damned night and he was so used to it that he didn't even try to get some sleep anymore. He went to bed, read something till the house was completely quiet and all his other teammates were asleep and then got up and walked to his lab; he worked, made himself some coffee, tried to make some new gadgets for the Avengers and basically spent all night trying not to die of boredom.

But there where nights -nights like this one- where is hands were working on some new tech but his mind was somewhere else. He kept thinking and thinking and, when everything started to make sense in his head, he kept noticing how he didn't deserve all he had. Even if he hadn't been Howard Stark's son he could have earned the money but that's not what he cared about. Tony thought of all the people that now lived with him and cared about him and he was absolutely certain that he didn't deserve their love. They all kept thanking him for the house and the gadgets and when he made few adjustments on their suits or weapons but Tony knew he didn't deserve it. He was different, he wasn't a good man he was someone who _happened_ to become a superhero. He wasn't like Steve, he was bad, in a way, and he kept on making all the wrong choices and taking all the wrong decisions. Steve, on the other hand, was a good man. He made all the right choices and he became a superhero because he wanted to help people, he was a good man and was constantly helping others with their problems.. shit, he probably helped old ladies rescue their cats from trees and cross the road.

Tony wasn't like that at all, he drank a lot of coffee and alcohol, he swore a lot and _he wasn't supposed to be alive_ : he should have died in the cave were he first thought of Iron Man-- he should have died when he went with that bomb in another dimension-- he should have died when he decided that giving his address to someone with clear intentions of killing him. He shouldn't even be there. In his lab. **Working**. _Thinking_. **_Breathing_**.That's why, sometimes, on nights like this, Tony sits on one of the stools in his lab, the only light coming from his chest, and takes out the arc reactor. He just looks at it and then wonders... he wonders whether it would be worth it to put it back in. And start **_breathing again_**. _Thinking again_. **Working again**.

That night Tony took the arc reactor in his palm and looked at it, his mind racing from thought to thought, from memory to memory, from friendly face to friendly face until he put it back in his place, deciding that, even though he didn't deserve all the friends and love he had, he had it and couldn't change anything about it. Tony thought, while the first rays of sun crept in the room, that he should take all the love he could from them so he would have enough when they would realize how worthless he was of it.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello there! I hope you liked this. I wrote this at least a year ago and posted it on another site, since I finally made an account here too I decided to share it once more with a couple of minor changes. I'd love to know what you think of it, and remember that constructive criticism is always appreciated.


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